Testimony Tuesday: Letting go to experience God’s love 

By Bella Agnello

“Comfortable is somewhat uncomfortable to me because I’m not used to it.” 

Abigail Nutter, a senior Mechanical Engineering major, moved five times before she graduated high school as her parents followed the Lord’s call to various ministries. Through a move to Texas, South Carolina, Maryland, Illinois and Iowa, she witnessed God going before her and teaching her his heart. 

After living in Maryland for six years, the Nutters felt led to Houston, TX, where they sought out a neighborhood to become their ministry. While there, Nutter’s dad had a widowmaker heart attack, rendering him jobless while he recovered. 

The family moved to South Carolina to live with Nutter’s grandparents as they waited for her dad to finish seminary. Now living in her third state, Nutter decided she would stop trying to make friends. 

“I developed this really not good mindset of, ‘Well, I’m not going to try and make friends because I’m not even going to be around them that much, and I don’t want to experience the pain of leaving them again, like how I experienced in Texas,’” Nutter said. 

The instability taught Nutter to hold on to what she had. Though it led her to isolate from her peers, it strengthened her relationship with her family. She knew she could rely on her family,

who knew her deeply and loved her. And as she savored the closeness of her family, she realized that as much as they loved her, God loved her on a magnified level. 

“The only one that knew me the most and the best was God,” Nutter said. 

Trusting God was in control, however, took several steps and years. During middle school, her grip tightened on the limited stability she had. She could not surrender and trust that God would be good as he exercised full control over her life. 

“I knew that he was in control, but it was hard for me to trust him with that control,” Nutter said. “I would pray these prayers every night, […] ‘God, I just pray that nobody dies tonight.’” 

One night at youth group, her youth pastor taught that anxiety stems from desiring control over situations that only God ever had control over. He encouraged the students to reflect on their own stories and “give the pen over to the Lord” as he sovereignly wrote their stories. 

Nutter went back to her room and cried to God, asking for him to take it all and take full control over her life. She concluded that even if he took everything away from her, he would still be faithful and she could still be thankful to him. 

“The thing about moving is you start holding on to things that you see other people neglecting, and sometimes you can hold on to it too much to where it’s actually not beneficial,” Nutter said. “We should be thankful for the things that God gives us and value them, but not to an extent where it gets in the way of his will.” 

Soon after, God moved the Nutters back to Maryland. He led them to help establish a church plant, which ultimately failed due to leadership and other complications within the community. The Nutters then moved to Illinois to live with another set of grandparents before finally moving to Iowa to be part of a church community there.

The next year, Nutter enrolled at Indiana Wesleyan University to study mechanical engineering. She was excited to finish her last four years at one school, and this confidence pushed her to reach out to people and make friendships. 

Without Nutter’s initiation, one upper classman walked up to her and asked to get coffee. The friendship blossomed quickly, much to Nutter’s surprise. “This is the older sister I always wanted,” Nutter said.

As this upper classman shared more of her story, she became more dependent on Nutter. Soon, the roles flipped: rather than being the one poured into, Nutter was now pouring out. This continued to grow worse as the year went on, and throughout the summer. She dismissed the alarm bells sounding off in her mind, stating that all the lessons she learned in life led her to be able to pour into this girl.

As Nutter learned to deal with her own anxiety, she tried to help her friend overcome her fears by pointing her to the one who had full control over her situation. Yet the more she pushed her to Christ, the more she was met with retaliation. 

Ultimately, Nutter also found herself trying to play “Christ” in her friend’s life. 

“I started to understand the beauty of Christ in that he can handle all of our burdens,” Nutter said. “I knew near the end of that first year that I was not cut out for this — there was just so much that was thrown on my shoulders that I did not have the energy for or the understanding for. So I remember just being thankful for the Lord.” 

After that summer, Nutter decided to end that friendship. One day, she hopes to reconcile with her friend. Though pained by the brokenness of the friendship, she is living in the hope that she can still love people abundantly, no matter what, because of Christ’s even greater love which enables her to love greatly. 

“While we love others, regardless of how they respond, we still have that security in that God loved us first,” Nutter said. 

Desiring more of God, Nutter looked for more ways to chase after him, know more of him and pour his love into others. She was ready to see more of God, even if that meant moving another time. 

“There are a lot of things that are temporary, and there are a lot of things that I don’t know,” Nutter said. “And so I want to go somewhere where I can grow in that, and where I can increase in my ability to disciple others, but also just increase in my knowledge of God.” 

Nutter continues to chase God and increase her knowledge of him at Cedarville University, where she transferred after her sophomore year. She knows that the trajectory of her life, the years she spent moving and struggling to share Jesus’ love with others, were not in vain. 

“God doesn’t waste things, and he doesn’t waste moments in time,” Nutter said. “Our goal, ultimately, is to glorify Christ regardless of how people respond.” 

Nutter clings to Hebrews 11:16-17, knowing that despite not feeling like she has a home, she is still moving towards her heavenly, permanent home. Rather than holding tightly to the blessings that can create a sense of stability for her in this life, she holds fast to God and lives in light of heaven, forever with him. 

Nutter remembers how God was not ashamed of those who lived looking forward to heaven and lived for him. She knows this is how she wants to live, too. 

“My home is heaven, and that’s the goal,” Nutter said. “God is not ashamed to be called their God. I don’t want my God to be ashamed of me.”

Bella Agnello is a senior Broadcasting, Digital Media and Journalism major with a concentration in Journalism and the On-Campus editor for Cedars. She enjoys antiquing, listening to records and reading classic Russian literature in her spare time.