by Tim Miller
Entering college life can be scary. You may psych yourself out so much that you cry on move-in day. You may not be nervous at all for your first day of classes, which should probably be just as scary.
Regardless, you’re going to be dealt with new norms that are impossible to know when you’re a first-year student. Thankfully, I’ve got some tips on how not to act on campus.
Many new males love to play guitar and love to play it for others. The Meet Market is often stuffed with exceptional guitar (and ,if you’re lucky, ukulele) players who want to show the world their incredible talents. This is fine, but it makes them look like tools.
Therefore, classy guitar-playing freshman, your musical skills will not impress the girl in your sister unit that you swear you fell in love with at first sight. She will act like everyone else when walking by you: She will awkwardly walk on and hope you don’t try to ask her on a date.
Sure, every freshman guy wants to harmonize with that pretty girl in his sister unit while singing Kumbaya by a campfire, but that’s a pipe dream that will never happen.
Remember this first tip like it’s the most important concept in a class. I’m sure you’re very cool, freshman guy, but you’re not as cool as you think, so put your guitar away and leave the meet market, bucko.
Just because something is there for you to take, doesn’t mean you should take it. This concept comes in its fullest at Chuck’s.
I don’t even know why trays are a thing. It’s more stressful hoping your plate and cup don’t slide off the tray than it is to actually carry your food contents.
Trays are not only dysfunctional, they’re also lame. The only people who use trays are parents, old people and new students who are still wet behind the ears.
It may appear easier to hold all of your food and silverware on a single flat surface, but just trust me and never use trays.
Running to Class
Tardy slips were a thing in high school. We are now in college, and things are different. Some profs don’t even take attendance.
So, while you may find yourself running late to class, please make sure it’s not literally.
In order to keep your fragile reputation intact, arrive to your class a couple minutes late rather than sprinting across campus to make it to class. You may burn extra calories to look good for that hottie in your bro/sis unit, but it won’t matter because as they see you Usain Bolt-ing it to class, they’ll cross you off their list of potential mates.
Tim Miller is a sophomore marketing major and sports editor for Cedars. He enjoys having a baby face, sipping Dunkin Donuts coffee and striving to be the optimal combination of Dwight Schrute and Ron Swanson.