by Alexandria Hentschel
It’s that time of year again — you’ve browsed through Cyber Monday deals and agonizing over whether your significant other really needs another flannel. You’re wondering if you can feasibly knit everyone in your family a scarf, and whether that would really be cheaper. You’re feverishly printing out coupons that are “Good For One Hug!” in the hopes that your mother won’t judge you for being too cheap.
We could all use a little guidance for what to get the people in our lives, so I’ve written a handy list.
For your parents: snap a selfie and put it in a frame from the Dollar Tree. Trust me — they made your face, and seeing it fills them with joy. Bonus points if you autograph it.
For your sibling: raid your closet for something that belongs to them — I guarantee you, something in there has been pilfered — wrap it up, and regift it to them. They’ll be so glad to have it back, they’ll forget that you stole it in the first place! Alternatively, the selfie in the frame can also go to them, to remind them that you’ll always be the most attractive one.
For the baptist in your life: Baptist Blinders™, the all new sunglasses which automatically block out anyone who isn’t a devout Calvinist. They’ll never have to fret again over whether the person they’re speaking to is saved or not — and all other Christian denominations won’t have to suffer through conversations about whether clapping in church is symbolic of deep-seated spiritual insecurity. (Manufacturer’s note: these will no longer function in heaven, and your baptist friends may be surprised at all the new faces there.)
For your significant other: nothing! Tell them that you don’t want anything this Christmas … so they can save up for the Ring they’re going to buy you by Spring … hint, hint.
For the millennial in your life: Super Glue, so that they can stick their phone directly to their face, without the pesky hassle of holding it up. Trust me — it’ll save them a ton of energy when they’re watching Netflix while lying on the couch. Bonus points if you also include a charger that can be surgically implanted.
For the pastor in your life: another anonymous complaint letter about something inconsequential, like the volume of the music in church, will most certainly put your pastor in the holiday spirit. You know how much they enjoy those — especially when they’re completely unfounded, rudely written, and anonymously mailed!
For the distant Christian relative in your life: you should get them another Philippians 4:13 or Jeremiah 29:11 wall hanging. They definitely need another one of those.
For your roommate: a mug that says “Thanks For Putting Up With Me, I’m Very Sorry That I Spilled Ramen On Your Bed That One Time And I Would Appreciate It If You Would Please Stop Holding It Over My Head.”
For your professor: the assignment you said you’d turn in last month, a $20 bill, and a sticky note inscribed only with a meager, desperate “please.” Wrap it all up with a pretty bow.
For your coworker that you like: a $10 Starbucks giftcard, to subtly hint that they should return the coffee run favor, with a nice card.
For your coworker that you don’t like: a $10 Starbucks giftcard, to subtly hint that they should return the coffee run favor. No card.
And lastly, for yourself: the footsie pajamas, or the French press, or the fancy lotion that you’ve been telling yourself that you don’t need, because truth be told, after this semester … you need it. Honor the birth of our Savior with excessive consumerism and treat yo’ self.
Alexandria Hentschel is a sophomore International Studies and Spanish double major and the Off-Campus news editor for Cedars. She enjoys old books, strong coffee, and honest debate.
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