by Tim Miller
Did you think the glory days of your lackluster athletic career were over? Well, think again. You have the chance to enjoy the privilege of being a mediocre athlete once again through intramurals.
Athletes ranging from those who claim they would’ve played in college had they not gotten hurt, to individuals who want an excuse to flirt with or impress a member of the opposite sex, are free to participate in intramurals.
Regardless of your motive, you should join an intramural team at Cedarville, simply for the clout.
You can gather a bunch of friends to form a team, or if you’re like me and you have no friends, you can join a team full of people who also have no friends, and in this way you may make new friends.
Real sports like basketball (offered 3v3 and 5v5) and flag football, to less sporty sports like disc golf and wallyball (volleyball played through the aid of walls) are offered at Cedarville. Whether you claim to be a one-star athlete on 247sports.com or a leisurely fella just trying land a date, there’s over 30 sports to compete in. Cedarville even offers a 5K, bike trips, and ski trips for more creative sports to compete in.
Most intramural sports have a regular season of up to four games, and the top teams are selected to move on to a postseason tournament. The team that wins the championship gets something better than a shoutout in chapel or money. Instead, the champion team is crowned with a championship shirt. It’s all about the clout.
But I know you must be asking the most important question of all: Mr. Cedarville Sports Editor, what sport should I play if I want my love interest to notice me?
Fret not I have all the answers. In order to land that pretty guy or handsome girl you fell in love with during Getting Started weekend, you should actually not play a sport. You’ll get sweaty, feel self-conscious, lose confidence, and your life will spiral into an uncontrollable whirlwind of self loathing and you’ll be alone forever.
Instead, you should be up front with your potential lover and actually talk to them about your feelings. The quicker you talk, the quicker you get it over with. It’s good too, because then you get to start a relationship, or get over your fizzled-out love and move on to that cutie that wraps your burritos every Tuesday night in Chuck’s
Tim Miller is a sophomore marketing major and sports editor for Cedars. He enjoys having a baby face, sipping Dunkin Donuts coffee and striving to be the optimal combination of Dwight Schrute and Ron Swanson.