by Tim Miller
College is scary. You don’t know anyone and you don’t know as much as you thought you did. I bet you thought you wouldn’t be able to find an edgy and concise article documenting what you should and should not do at Cedarville, didn’t you?
Well, you were wrong, and you’ll be wrong infinitely more times before you graduate, so get used to it.
Let’s dive in.
Do: Make an appearance in chapel
If you’re like me, you weren’t born with the stunning good looks and charismatic charisma that SGA President Ryan Smith is blessed with. Because of this, becoming famous on campus must come by working hard.
By working hard, this means rubbing elbows with members of SGA. By doing this, they’ll recommend you be on stage for chapel or make it in a video produced for chapel.
The rest is easy. You’ll be set up to tell a few witty lines. Your face will be known by thousands of 18-23-year-olds across campus. People will do double-takes at you, fire off some finger guns, and even ask for your autograph once you make it to the big time.
Do: Win a 4.0 mug
The pinnacle of academic success at Cedarville culminates by receiving a piece of ceramic and watching your name flash on a chapel slide for a hot second. Yes, if you earn no less than an A in every class in a semester, you will receive the coveted 4.0 mug.
While it’s called a mug, this is really a trophy that will be displayed on your desk. I’ve never actually seen someone drink out of a 4.0 mug, because that’s just asking to get beaten to a pulp for being a nerd.
Don’t: Serenade girls in the meet market
If you’re a single guy hoping girls will swoon over your $14 haircut from Great Clips and stories of declining Division 1 athletic scholarships in order to pursue serious academia at Cedarville, you may feel the need to bolster your chances of landing a date by playing guitar in the meet market.
Instead of doing that, you should not.
Sure, every freshman guy wants to harmonize with that pretty girl in his sister unit while singing Kumbaya by a campfire, but that’s a pipe dream that will never happen.
I’m sure you’re very cool, freshman guy, but you’re not as cool as you think, so put your guitar away and leave the meet market, bucko.
Don’t: Skip out on Cedarville athletics
If you thought Cedarville University’s athletes weren’t that good because this is a Division II school, you’re wrong. Cedarville boasts an Olympian and a whole bunch of All-Americans.
The women’s basketball team features a record-breaking 3-point shooter. The men’s basketball team can dunk, which is cool.
The men’s cross country team finished 10th in the entire NCAA last year, while the women won the entire NCCAA title.
The soccer teams are cool too, as well as the baseball and softball teams. You’ll mingle with some athletes at some point in your journey at Cedarville, and it’s only right to support the hardest working students on this campus.
Tim Miller is a junior marketing major and sports editor for Cedars. He enjoys having a baby face, knowing too much about supplemental insurance, and striving to be the optimal combination of Dwight Schrute and Ron Swanson.