by Alexandria Hentschel
Oh boy, do I have something for you to try! Settle in! Grab a pencil! Avoid the self-revelation that you could find by reading the actual Bible, and instead waste your time taking my quiz!
When I register for classes, I try to pick:
A. The easiest ones possible that fulfill my requirements. Blogwriting 101? Sign me up.
B. Ones that will edify me spiritually and emotionally.
C. Whatever the Lord tells me to pick.
When I go to chapel, I:
A. Sometimes fall asleep, usually don’t. OK, usually do.
B. Pay good attention; try to absorb everything and genuinely enjoy it.
C. Always lift my hands for the praise band, sit in the second row behind Dr. Thomas White and take dutiful notes.
When my roommate’s alarm has gone off 27 times, I:
A. Turn it off entirely. Disconnect it. Throw it in the shower and electrocute it. Good luck waking up for clinicals NOW.
B. Ask politely that they turn it off.
C. Gently wake him/her up with waffles that you’ve just made. Strum a Chris Tomlin song on your guitar and let them know they’re deeply loved, even in their deep and terrible sin.
When I get a terrible grade in Composition, I:
A. Submit a complaint to the administration, whining about the unfairness of the syllabus.
B. Ask the professor how I can improve it and re-submit a new copy.
C. Go to my professor’s office with a box of Lindt truffles and three brand-new essays to choose from.
When mom calls me in the middle of class, I:
A. Answer it. Talk through the lecture. “Yeah, Ma, I’m getting good grades…”
B. Decline, but send her a text letting her know you’ll get back to her soon.
C. Apologize profusely to the class for interrupting their precious learning time, apologize profusely to your mom for not getting to speak with her more often, apologize to the phone for your continual mistreatment of it, apologize to your notes for not taking them well.
Don’t lie. Answer truthfully. And check out your results…
Mostly A’s: You are Haman. You’re so terrible, dude. You are Toby from The Office. Nobody wants you around. We leave you alone for one second, and you start planning to kill all the Jews. What the heck, man? We don’t want you at our dinner parties, but we invite you out of obligation. And then when you come, you get in a screaming match with the host’s wife. Didn’t even bring a snack to share. You’re not all that great, but you want everyone to bow down to you — literally. You’re the worst.
Mostly B’s: You are Daniel. There is no fault found with you. You’re a Discipleship Leader, an RA, in a chapel band, a Global Outreach leader, in Student Government, and give hand-knitted pot-warmers to orphans every other Wednesday. Keep sticking it to oppressive governments, man.
Mostly C’s: You are Job. Honestly, your holier-than-thou attitude is starting to annoy all of us, even God. It’s really great that even though your roommate stole your Nutella and spread it all over your sheets, and Dr. Jones is failing you in Bio 101 and your significant other broke up with you (maybe they even wiggled their fingers and cursed you a bit), you are STILL praising the Lord! When Chucks runs out of ice cream, you say, “The Lord giveth cookie dough, and he taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
If you’re upset with your result, ask yourself … why did I take this quiz in the first place?
Alexandria Hentschel is a junior international studies and Spanish double major and the Off-Campus news editor for Cedars. She enjoys old books, strong coffee, and honest debate.